Abby Balazs Abby Balazs I apologize in advance. Not much happened this week...I'm just rambling.
*I was tricked into posing for a film festival poster. The lady asked me if I wanted to go to lunch and then she mumbled something about
photo-something-I-could-come-along-if-I-wanted. Before I knew it, they were handing me a boom mic and telling me to move over there! So, in some of the shots, I held a boom mic and in others, I had a laptop. I'm still unsure why they insisted on the laptop.
*So I talked with Jim the other night. I broke his microwave--of course I did! And so I had to tell him about that. Somehow we started talking about his past relationships and for whatever reason, I asked, "So I know in guy-girl relationships, the guy usually pursues the girl...blah, blah, blah...but how does it work in guy-guy relationships?" He couldn't answer that but what ensued was a crashcourse in Gay Man Love. I found out things I hadn't even wondered about. It felt like a long, pseudo-therapy session for Jim as he told me about how his partner of 14 years had died of AIDS about ten years ago. Jim's been checked and is in the clear, apparently. Never did I think I would be living
with a gay man talking about picking up people at square-dancing conventions. And he's quite a catch in gay circles..He's more often the
pursued rather than the pursuer.
*It's really uncool when someone offers you their old fat-clothes because they've lost 3.5 more pounds on WeightWatchers. Pearl offered me her favorite, old (fat) shirt this week and I accepted...She didn't seem bothered by our 40-year age gap and the potential fashion/style clash. She's a pretty hip grandma--like an aging sorority girl or as she describes herself, "a fairly attractive melted candle."
*So last night my dreams were wack! They have been of late...in part of the dream, I was in the middle of a new reality TV gameshow called, "Guess Who's Had Plastic Surgery!" Two people would go up side by side and the audience had to guess who had been fixed. Afterward, when I was in that 1/2 sleep, 1/2 wake limbo--when things still don't make sense but you think they do--I actually thought, "Hmm...that would be a great idea for a TV show.."
*Some of my favorite few minutes of the day are when I ride my bike back home after work and I cross the Michigan St. Bridge. When you look over, you can see nearly a dozen fisherman standing in the middle of the river; they're sporting their hip-high boots and it looks so relaxing. I've wondered what would happen if I decided to wade out there and say something like, "Well, can I try?"
Most likely, I'd slip on a rock on my way out and end up floating down there river..then I'd probably run into one of the fisherman, knock him
over, causing him to not only release all the fish he had already caught (you know, his family's primary food source), but also flinging his pole
into the air, which by freak accident, impales his brother-in-law...before you know it there's three of us floating to detroit--if that's even
possible. Anyway, I'll just stay on the bridge for now. But fishing is one of the items on my "While I'm here, I might as well..." list.
*While working on my video essay all this week (the one I started while still in Norman), I successfully made myself homesick. It kinda snuck up on me and then suddenly at 428pm on friday, I could feel the tears well up. I haven't cried but once since I've been here. Yeah, I'm tough. And that one time was when I was frustrated about something and talking to my mom...so, it doesn't really count.
*Today is Saturday and I decided to take a walk around town and figure out things. I stopped at a little sandwich shop and while feasting, picked up The Oprah Magazine (circa Dec '02) because I've never read one before. It kept me interested for nearly an hour. I even wrote down a couple interesting quotes:
"Goodness is catching."
"God grant me the ability to change the things I cannot accept." (haha!)
"They say that if you're looking for God, you've already found Him."
And then my favorite, "Damn, you're stupid!"..it was an article about holiday family dysfunction.
*In four days, marks the one year date of my dad dying...a whole year. As I was thinking about it on my walk today, I kept seeing things that reminded me of him. This little boy was walking on an elevated curb-like thing and his mom was holding his hand, keepin his balance. Watching that reminded me of doing the same thing as a little abby in Seaside, Oregon... walking along The Promenade.
Around that same age, I used to write letters to my parents..I couldn't have been more than 6 at the time. I'd be sure to wish them a very good day and ALWAYS included my phone number: 244-8932, in case they forgot. Sometimes I'd draw a picture with a rainbow. I'll always remember the day my mom and dad wrote me back! They wrote on index cards little notes and my dad drew a picture on his. I thought of that today and giggled about how they had indulged my silliness..and then I really wished I could talk to him one more time.
Sometimes I feel guilty for not thinking about him enough. But sometimes it's just too hard to understand. It's really weird because the
hurt runs so deep...so deep that I can operate in this superficial zone and not think about him. But once I do take a moment to recollect, the tears show up without restraint. It's been a bizarre experience but not uncommon by any means.
*What a strange email. In case you've wondered..I write these because I'm supposed to keep a weblog as part of my Americorps experience--it's either that or a webpage. Some people say they like 'em but if you wish to unsubscribe to these unsolicited weekly updates, just hit reply and write "unsubscribe" in the subject line of your email. ha! What that means is I'll try to forget to add you the next time around. double-ha!
My friend asked me last night if I spend hours writing these and I think I might...but it's spread out throughout the week. I've never been so
candid with so many people in my life. I've needed to work on that...just ask Matt.
love,
abby:)
PS: Happy Birthday, Mama. I'm sending you something.
Posted by Abigail Balazs at October 4, 2004 10:41 AM